honeybee

Today, I…

Posted on by thepfefferfamily

Today, I braved the baby aisle.

I walked the pregnant women, newborn filled aisles with a heavy heart and a brisk walk. I tried not to look too hard, but each item was a memory scratching to come out in the form of tears. So many tears.

Somehow, I kept it together.

I. kept. it. together.

Until I made it into the safe haven of my car where I silently cried my eyes out.

I cried because it was supposed to be me happily walking those aisles, 7 & 1/2 months pregnant, blissfully unaware of this kind of pain. It was supposed to be a time where we got last minute newborn clothes and did changes to the nursery because of my raging hormones.

I sit inside my ‘nursery’ now. I had to convert it into my office, because the pain of walking past a half-closed door full of nursery furniture broke my heart.

It is never just the initial pain of losing your child that you feel for the rest of your life. It’s the empty car seats, silent nights, closed doors to rooms. Pain comes in the form of a closet full of baby clothes… I tend to find myself being heartbroken, asking, ‘What do I do with all these clothes…’

Pain comes in the mothers who boast about their children (and so they should), it’s in the explanation you haven’t quite mastered yet, but speak so often. It’s the empty hole in your heart you don’t know how to fill. It’s in the baby aisles.

Pain will forever come in the moments we never get to experience. The first steps or first day at school. We never get to hear how they laugh or what their favourite color is. We will never hear them call us ‘mum’ or ‘dad’… We miss out on every moment of their existence, apart from the few short weeks we got.

I’m here to warn you; the pain never stops. It never gets easier. Sometimes, it gets even harder. However, you will find ways to make daily life easier to manage. You may even find yourself smiling and laughing, because life for everyone around you still goes on.

Today, I purchased newborn clothes, for our baby we don’t get to meet in this lifetime. Her birthday/ due date is March 3rd, and we will treat it as such. There will be more tears on that day. There will be pain and heartbreak on these days for the rest of ours too. It’s the cursed blessing we receive when we become parents to an angel baby.

But today, I can say I accomplished something I wasn’t necessarily ready for but had enough courage to do anyway. At least, today, I braved the baby aisle.

-Candace

Wife, Mother of Baby Chip, still a hopeful universe believer.

A Christmas Baby Loss Poem

Posted on by thepfefferfamily

Christmas is a time of year,

where families gather and grow.

But what about the babies,

who aren’t in our arms at all?

–

Do they get a Christmas,

where’s it’s all happy and bright?

We wish we could spend it with them,

with all of our love and might.

–

We no longer only see darkness,

when we sit outside at night,

We wait for our babies,

to twinkle their little lights.

–

The night sky looks different now,

So endless, bold and blue.

‘Why did this happen to us’,

please know we’ve asked it too.

–

When we see and hear the cries,

of the children around us,

its almost a pain in our chest that those aren’t the ones,

of our light that’s left.

–

The holidays are crazy enough,

without all of the grief.

Don’t you see how hard it is just to attend these events,

no matter how brief?

–

We accept all prayers and wishes,

for we know little stars need kisses too,

up there in the universe,

from where our babies all visit.

–

We try to remember them,

the best way we can,

and show our love and loss,

with our open, aching hands.

–

That’s where our baby should reside,

who is not with us any longer.

Why does the hole in our heart,

everyday, grow stronger?

–

Although you may think,

you shouldn’t need to explain,

know that so many,

already know your pain.

–

Your voice and your story,

make sense to so many.

Please don’t hide your baby,

they are apart of your family.

–

Some will forget,

or not mention them at all.

Those aren’t your people,

true friends will let you talk.

–

We know it’s hard to receive,

so many cards this season,

that don’t include your baby’s name,

what a shame, with no rhyme or reason.

–

What about our baby,

the one we didn’t get to meet?

Please show us some compassion,

while we try to navigate our grief.

–

They are as important,

as your living children.

Ask about them sometime,

our baby that we love times a billion.

–

May this season bring support,

perhaps from where it was lacking.

May this poem bring you peace,

If you unfortunately know this feeling.

–

If this holiday season is tough,

remember that it is enough,

to simply show love,

and know your baby feels it from above.

–

⁃Candace

Wife, Mother of Baby Chip, still a hopeful universe believer.

This poem was written in 2 hours during Christmas Day, while I sat and thought of how to express my feelings during such a tough time of the year. For those who know this pain, I hope this brings some comfort. You aren’t alone. Merry Christmas.