Birth and Rebirth

Posted on by thepfefferfamily

Our once family of three, became a family of four when we found out we were pregnant again in January of 2021. Pregnancy was grueling, long, hard, as well as beautiful, life altering and wonderful. It was both.

Disclaimer: Below is a short explanation of a living birth, and includes some traumatic experiences and emotions. If this hurts you to read, please don’t. Protect your heart and move onto another post.

I was given an induction date, finished working on the Friday and went into hospital on the Monday, ready to get this baby into my arms. Well, things don’t always go to plan, much like we have come to learn. My perfect 1 of 2 birth plans went entirely to shit, to put it lightly. The happy, calm and timely vaginal birth was a far cry from the experience I endured. The induction began with the option I specifically advocated against, which then 24 hours on, still hadn’t gotten me into active labour, but had started contractions that I had a nurse timing and counting. Because it had started contractions, but not active labour, they weren’t able to restart the next method of induction until those contractions stopped, or I went into a natural labour. There was nothing to be done, but I was exhausted, beyond done with this process of having my body controlled by other people, decisions controlled, my entire birth plan being throw out the window from the initial moment. When Michael joined me the next morning, being told that induction had not progressed and we would or could be now in hospital waiting days or weeks for this to progress, I broke. At this point, all I could think about was the fact that I just wanted this baby out of me. I wanted to meet my daughter, I wanted to hold her and spend time with her. I needed to know she was alive, and she would stay. I decided to take back the control I had and focus on what I could control. I decided to opt for a caesarean birth. Finally, I thought, finally I would be back to having control over my birth.

On September 8th 2021, we were wheeled to the same prep room I had been in when I was prepping to have my first child taken from my body. The anxiety came back, and a strong sense of devastation. The fact both my children have come into this world in the same room, and only one of them made it out alive, was a peaceful emptiness I experienced afterward, but initially I was faced with the possibility of both of my children being dead in the same room, a confronting thought. Michael waited outside the big doors while they made me as comfortable as possible, walking me through the steps quickly. They made me sit on the side of a bed and hold a position so they could numb my body, mostly everything under my arms down. I remember Michael coming back in, and my midwife getting the heat bed ready for the baby. I remember looking at it, knowing my baby would be here soon, living or not. 3 surgeons came in, and began the process. The curtain was pulled up so we wouldn’t see my insides being cut open, and the medicine began being pumped into my body. Ed Sheeran was playing and Michael and I held hands and tried to stay calm looking at one another.

The medicine began making me sick, very sick. They gave me as much as they could for the nausea, and I remember the surgeons had to stop cutting while I was ill. Once they began again, things happened very quickly. Blood splattered the drape curtain in front of my face. I could feel tugging and pulling sensations, odd feelings. And then, she was here. They pulled her from my body, looking lifeless, silent and white. Instead of a curtain coming down for me to see my baby, she was whisked away by my midwife yelling for them to hand her over. Michael and I looked over at where she was placed, where people surrounded her and helped her. Michael squeezed my hand, and we silently watched, questioning whether she would be okay. What felt like minutes, but was only moments later, she cried.

I think we breathed the first deep breathe we had in minutes, hours, years. We cried, Michael looked at me as if his whole world was okay again. She was here, she was alive, she was okay. We were told she was stunned, and later found out that she was in no way ready to come out. She was happy ‘cooking’ away in my tummy.

Michael went over once our daughter was in the clear, and he got to hold her, cut her cord, be with her. He bought her over to me, and I remember looking at her, saying “She’s so cute, I love her”, knowing I meant it. I touched her face, her cute little eyes staring back at me while she was wrapped in her dad’s arms.

I began feeling excruciating pain in my shoulder and neck, as the surgeons continued their work on me. I had hemorrhaged during the birth, and was needing attention now more so than my baby. Michael took our baby over to the side of the room, so that I could be given help. I remember hearing, “I’ve given her everything”, letting the team know I was maxed out on just about everything I could be and I was still yelling and crying for help with the pain. I remember a point where everyone took their hands off me, surgeons included, to see where the pain had stemmed from. The medicine once again began making me sick, and I don’t remember much after this point. I remember once it was over, once the pain started to fade, and I started to come to, I was shown my baby again, who Michael was holding so preciously in his arms. I was wheeled to a recovery area where I was finally given the chance to hold her, hours after she had been born into this world.

This wait seriously affected my postpartum emotions, as I knew it would. There was nothing I could have done, and I was just grateful she was alive, here. I held her and she latched well. Not 10 minutes later she was taken from me to go to special care nursery. I met her and Michael back into my room when I was cleared to return to them. Fortunately, my midwife had secured us an independent room in our public hospital, with a private bathroom, after our induction fiasco. I was mostly grateful for it now. The time we spent that afternoon with her was precious, some of the best moments of my life.

I was bed ridden, but I was able to hold and love on this little girl who I got to keep, who got to come home and stay. I remember asking Michael, “What time was she born?” and he looked at me with a smirk and said, “1:11pm”. I like to think Baby Chip had a hand in the fate of Ruby being born on the angel number that represents new beginnings, and what a beautiful new beginning she is.

We have faced many issues since her birth, many hospital trips, many surgeries for myself and a little procedure for her, feeding challenges and changes, new routines, postpartum anxiety and depression, uncertainty, and we have also faced such happiness, joy, laughter, play and challenge.

My birth plan didn’t go to plan, but my second birth plan didn’t need to be used- a plan for if my child was dead. Instead, although my birth was chaotic, harsh, traumatic and brutal, it was also beautiful, life changing and good, because she was here, alive. It was both.

The birth of my second daughter, in no way overrides my first daughter- her life, death or legacy, it enhances it. Two daughters, born in the same room, separated by a veil of life and death, a sky full of stars and earthly time. The death of my first daughter, and the birth of my second, rebirthed me into who I am now, sitting here writing this.

I do not write about trauma easily, even in this short form, but I do it knowing it allows me to breath the moments in and out of my body, providing reassurance to others that you are not alone in your grief, in your trauma, in your love and your heartbreak. I am both traumatized and blessed by experiences. I get to be both. Just like I get to be both a wife and a boss, happy and sad, angry and grateful, Chip’s mum and Ruby’s mum. Neither of which outweighs the other, because it just is. I am reborn into this version of myself, and I have my two girls to thank for it.

Candace

A universe believer because one of my babies lives up there

It’s been a minute…

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It’s been a minute. A long, life changing minute. 2022 is half complete, and I have an almost 1 year old daughter. I have so much to say, and sometimes I’m not sure how to say it all but here goes nothing. I’m starting my blog back up again, to regain some confidence in sharing my pieces of not-so-perfect with whoever decides to read. And to start with, let me remind you, you are under no obligation to read this, or any of my blogs. This is a place of compassion and kindness only.

I’m a simple woman, with 2 kids, a husband and a little home in South-East Queensland. I work in healthcare, I run my own online business, I parent my 1 living child that’s here and grieve my other who is not. I spend time cherishing and loving my husband, who has been a constant in my life for nearly a decade. I not so successfully manage to do it all, and still find time to sit here and write… sometimes, or so we will see.

Let me start from where we left off, my last blog post. Well, 2020 wasn’t a friend to anyone, but I managed to get through the darkest of days of grief with my husband, and select friends who stayed by us with our heavy broken hearts. I found pen pals and online friends who took my mind away from the present at the time, the loneliness, the heartache. I guess I owe a lot of my comforting recovery to people I have never even met. It was a strong denominator in what got me through COVID, and through the death of my first child. And when I say through, I don’t mean over, no- never over. I mean, through, literally. I will never be on the other side of my recovery, of my grief. I will always be in it, and I have learned ways in which to make that more bearable. Some days, I go the full day without shedding a single tear, but I never go a day without thinking about Baby Chip. I refer to her as such, because her name matters, she matters. If you haven’t read our story, please go read it here. I haven’t really delved into much more than that when it comes to her death, or my journey through the grief from it, but I will someday. Watch this space.

I thrive off keeping busy, and having a purpose and goal. I push myself every day to find something to look forward to, even if it’s just bed that evening or a snuggle from my living child. Then I give myself bigger goals to accomplish in larger timeframes. So here I am, beginning again, a goal of mine, to write more, to express more, in a world full of videos, photos and short storylines. I’m here to share, to open and create and explore. If you want to find out what’s in store, follow along. Let’s do things the “old fashioned” way, a little bit of writing never goes astray.

Candace

Mum, wife, boss, universe believer.

March 3

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Baby Chip was supposed to be born March 3rd 2020. Today is her due date.

She would have been born a Pisces. A perfect mix of selfless, kind, positive and gentle, much like her dad. She would have imaginative, sensitive and intuitive, just like her mumma too. She would have been a sweet little baby, with bright eyes and a beautiful soul.

Today, we added things to our angel’s memory/ keepsake box. Items we wish we could share with her earth side.

Today, we purchased plants to watch grow and look after, the same way we would have after bringing home our daughter.

Today, we contemplate what life would have looked like for us. How the face of grief and heartache would have never been a vision in our minds.

Today, we should have heard her cries but instead all we hear are our own. No happiness, no smiles, no blissful moments, no earth side baby to hold and love.

We like to believe she’s a star, showing us every night she’s still here, twinkling down at us. Maybe she’s up there, watching us and waiting for the day we get to join her.

Wherever it is, we hope that it’s beautiful and that her soul is at peace.

We find comfort in knowing she never felt the pain or heartache of this cruel world. I know I would take all of the pain in the world to ensure that.

I wish we could have met her, I wish she had more time on this earth than the 8 weeks she got. I wish we had more time to know her, hold her and be blessed by her existence. I wish she could have stayed.

We do live our life differently since loosing her. Our bad days look very different, and sometimes, the bed is the only place we can find the time to let it all out. Sometimes we cry, and sometimes we smile. We are forever grateful to be parents to our beautiful baby, but we are forever tormented by the fact we never got to keep her.

There is no lessons from this. There is no big “aha” moments, or reasons why.

We lost our baby. We now live without the one person we had planned our future around.

The pain doesn’t get any easier. It never dulls it’s strength or leaves but we have found ways to honour her legacy and life; the parts we were able to experience with her and the parts we never will. We hope we are doing enough. We hope she sees and feels our love, wherever she may be.

We’ll see you in the skies, Baby Chip. 🐝👼🏼

-Candace

Wife, Mother of Baby Chip, still a hopeful universe believer.

Today, I…

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Today, I braved the baby aisle.

I walked the pregnant women, newborn filled aisles with a heavy heart and a brisk walk. I tried not to look too hard, but each item was a memory scratching to come out in the form of tears. So many tears.

Somehow, I kept it together.

I. kept. it. together.

Until I made it into the safe haven of my car where I silently cried my eyes out.

I cried because it was supposed to be me happily walking those aisles, 7 & 1/2 months pregnant, blissfully unaware of this kind of pain. It was supposed to be a time where we got last minute newborn clothes and did changes to the nursery because of my raging hormones.

I sit inside my ‘nursery’ now. I had to convert it into my office, because the pain of walking past a half-closed door full of nursery furniture broke my heart.

It is never just the initial pain of losing your child that you feel for the rest of your life. It’s the empty car seats, silent nights, closed doors to rooms. Pain comes in the form of a closet full of baby clothes… I tend to find myself being heartbroken, asking, ‘What do I do with all these clothes…’

Pain comes in the mothers who boast about their children (and so they should), it’s in the explanation you haven’t quite mastered yet, but speak so often. It’s the empty hole in your heart you don’t know how to fill. It’s in the baby aisles.

Pain will forever come in the moments we never get to experience. The first steps or first day at school. We never get to hear how they laugh or what their favourite color is. We will never hear them call us ‘mum’ or ‘dad’… We miss out on every moment of their existence, apart from the few short weeks we got.

I’m here to warn you; the pain never stops. It never gets easier. Sometimes, it gets even harder. However, you will find ways to make daily life easier to manage. You may even find yourself smiling and laughing, because life for everyone around you still goes on.

Today, I purchased newborn clothes, for our baby we don’t get to meet in this lifetime. Her birthday/ due date is March 3rd, and we will treat it as such. There will be more tears on that day. There will be pain and heartbreak on these days for the rest of ours too. It’s the cursed blessing we receive when we become parents to an angel baby.

But today, I can say I accomplished something I wasn’t necessarily ready for but had enough courage to do anyway. At least, today, I braved the baby aisle.

-Candace

Wife, Mother of Baby Chip, still a hopeful universe believer.

A Christmas Baby Loss Poem

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Christmas is a time of year,

where families gather and grow.

But what about the babies,

who aren’t in our arms at all?

–

Do they get a Christmas,

where’s it’s all happy and bright?

We wish we could spend it with them,

with all of our love and might.

–

We no longer only see darkness,

when we sit outside at night,

We wait for our babies,

to twinkle their little lights.

–

The night sky looks different now,

So endless, bold and blue.

‘Why did this happen to us’,

please know we’ve asked it too.

–

When we see and hear the cries,

of the children around us,

its almost a pain in our chest that those aren’t the ones,

of our light that’s left.

–

The holidays are crazy enough,

without all of the grief.

Don’t you see how hard it is just to attend these events,

no matter how brief?

–

We accept all prayers and wishes,

for we know little stars need kisses too,

up there in the universe,

from where our babies all visit.

–

We try to remember them,

the best way we can,

and show our love and loss,

with our open, aching hands.

–

That’s where our baby should reside,

who is not with us any longer.

Why does the hole in our heart,

everyday, grow stronger?

–

Although you may think,

you shouldn’t need to explain,

know that so many,

already know your pain.

–

Your voice and your story,

make sense to so many.

Please don’t hide your baby,

they are apart of your family.

–

Some will forget,

or not mention them at all.

Those aren’t your people,

true friends will let you talk.

–

We know it’s hard to receive,

so many cards this season,

that don’t include your baby’s name,

what a shame, with no rhyme or reason.

–

What about our baby,

the one we didn’t get to meet?

Please show us some compassion,

while we try to navigate our grief.

–

They are as important,

as your living children.

Ask about them sometime,

our baby that we love times a billion.

–

May this season bring support,

perhaps from where it was lacking.

May this poem bring you peace,

If you unfortunately know this feeling.

–

If this holiday season is tough,

remember that it is enough,

to simply show love,

and know your baby feels it from above.

–

⁃Candace

Wife, Mother of Baby Chip, still a hopeful universe believer.

This poem was written in 2 hours during Christmas Day, while I sat and thought of how to express my feelings during such a tough time of the year. For those who know this pain, I hope this brings some comfort. You aren’t alone. Merry Christmas.

The Pfeffer Wedding

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It has officially been one year since Michael and I were married on August 6th 2018. In celebration, here’s a collection of our wedding photographs. A small percentage of them anyway.

We wanted to share our beautiful day that was shaped by so many people; friends, family, vendors, etc. Look out for some ‘tips and tricks’ throughout. This has been a pleasure creating despite our heavy and harsh month so far.

Photography: Steph from Evernew Studio

Photobooth photos: InTheBooth

Michael’s groomsmen; Kurt, Travis, Nicholas. Go for sixes!

Michael got ready for the big day at his grand parents home in Toowoomba.

Go for sixes! 6 Die cuff links for all the men. A personal touch from the groom. *Tip- Gift your bridal party with something they can wear or use on the wedding day. Especially if it’s a personal joke between everyone, like these dice!*

Men’s suits: Ferrari Formalwear & Bridal

Custom made ties

*Tip- To achieve a more personal look to a men’s suit, get custom ties made in the left over bridesmaids fabric from alterations. A nice extra gift for the groomsmen too.*

*Tip- Have beautiful grand parents who puts on a spread for your morning tea before the crazy day really begins*

*Tip- Gift each other a hand written card to read the morning of the wedding day. Keep the tissues close though!*

Bridesmaids; Kristy, Jacqui, Emma.

Bridesmaid’s robe’s & shoes: Kmart

Bride’s robe: Myer

Bride’s pj’s: Peter Alexander

Cake: Jill-i-cious cakes

Crystals: Unearthed Crystals amethyst rough’s in size large

*Tip- Create a cake that will not only taste good but look the part! Jill (who’s actually Michael’s cousin) made us this masterpiece off an inspo picture and a vision inside my head. We wanted something unique and personal. Get creative*

Bridesmaid’s & Bride’s makeup: Marley Hammond

Bridesmaid’s & Bride’s hair: Hannah Hensley

Lipstick: Jeffree Star Velour Liquid Lipstick in shade Mannequin

Something blue: Royal blue earrings Michael gifted me years ago

Something borrowed: My sister & bridesmaids wedding band

Bridesmaid’s gifts: Unearthed Crystals

I gifted my bridesmaids with an amethyst rough and a Aventurine worry stone. Amethyst to alleviate stress/ anxiety of the day and Aventurine for friendship and luck.

Dress: Luv Bridal, Mia Solano designer gown

When searching for my dream wedding dress, I originally wanted long sleeves, and I even looked at full satin gowns. Turns out, trying things on changes your mind!

I stumbled upon Luv Bridal online and knew this dress was made for me! The name fit my vibe perfectly too; Diana. A gown fit for a queen.

I went in store with my mum, and immediately knew I had found the one. Mile long train, wide, full skirt with layers upon layers, off the shoulder, button back, detailing, detailing and more detailing. Glitter lined into one layer in from the top which sparkle as you walk.

Something new: My dress!

Mother of the Bride, Kay, Mother of the Groom, Annie.

Bridesmaid’s dresses: Ferrari Formalwear & Bridal

Florist: Pretty Little Blooms Co

Something old: My Nana’s brooch, that has been used/worn by family at their wedding. Perfect as a piece of history and symbolized my Nana with me on my big day, when she could only be there in spirit.

Venue: Gabbinbar Homestead

*Biggest tip- There’s a reason why good venues cost you more. We got married on a Monday, in winter, with a small number of guests. Something we wanted but something that was also a slightly less expensive option. We still got our dream wedding, at our dream location. Ask the questions and make sacrifices in other aspects of your wedding- just not this one!*

Reception space: Our reception was held in the conservatory of Gabbinbar Homestead. Glass ceiling, gorgeous white and greenery theme- what more could you need!

Favors: DIY ‘Mint to be’ gifts for guests

Firstly, this was the only DIY item we did for our wedding and boy, am I glad! What you’ll need- Kmart tins, rope, tags, Calligraphy pens from a craft store, mints from your local supermarket and a custom sticker from Vistaprint (that matched our invites and theme).

Seating chart: Vistaprint

*Tip- Don’t be worried about your husband finding you beautiful or not. He already does.*

I walked myself down the aisle. I fought hard battles to get to this point in life and decided that if I could do all of that alone, I could surely do this!

Ceremony: The Old Gates, Gabbinbar Homestead

We fell in love with this classic, outdoor ceremony location when we first saw it. A perfect intimate place surrounded by nature.

*Tip- Choose a venue that has multiple options for ceremony, reception, garden party, entertainment areas, etc. It’s so beautiful to be able to individualise your day even at such a popular wedding destination. You don’t want your wedding photos being generic and replicas of all the weddings past.*

The vows. No words to express this moment. There was lot’s of tears, however.

*Tip- Make your ceremony fun, funny and sentimental. During our ceremony, our celebrant Carly read out things we had written about one another, which was kept secret from each other until then. This was something she offered as part of her help with our ceremony and it was the best choice to include!

Celebrant: Carly Slade

Who knew finding a celebrant was so hard! You don’t think about it until you need to find one and the only options your given are a little… outdated.

I found Carly after a seriously long and grueling month of searching. She is a Brisbane based celebrant. We knew right away that her kind-hearted, calm and welcoming personality was exactly what we needed and wanted. When we met her in person, it was like meeting a new friend.

*Tip- Expand your search to outside of your area. Most of the time, celebrants are happy to travel for your big day.*

I DO!

*Tip- Use rose petals to include your guests in celebrating your big, first moments as husband and wife!*

Most venues will ask for real flower petals to be used. It’s a time to celebrant and smell the roses, quite literally. Fake is an outdated option, anyway. If you’re concerned about flowers going to waste, donate them to your local hospitals, aged care facilities etc.

You can find plenty of petal cone holders on ETSY.

‘We did it’ – Michael

*Tip- Take a moment after you walk back down the aisle to receive hugs and well wishes from everyone.*

Pfeffer, Jones family

Otto, Stahlhut family

Friends, friends and more friends.

Mother of the Bride, Sister’s Emma & Kristy.

*Tip- Having a videographer & photographer works wonders not only for your memories but also for an expert on veil flicks.*

*Tip- The most fun is had (and the best pictures) when you act yourself, chat to one another, have a laugh and enjoy the moment*

Rain! It rained for 10 minutes total on our wedding day. It didn’t stop us, and provided us a great chance to whip out the umbrellas and get some candid memories.

*Tip- Be prepared with clear umbrellas, just in case. Kmart typically sells them. Make sure you take advantage of gapes in the weather to run and get some photos, but always have a back up plan. Another reason why such a large, diverse venue is perfect and worth every cent.*

Little things. Bridesmaids doing bridesmaids duties carrying the Bride’s dress, Groom and his groomsmen carrying the bouquets for the ladies. A beautiful garden party location and a moment to appreciate my chosen footwear.

*Tip- If you can avoid it, don’t break your foot 3 weeks before your wedding day, falling out of bed. It’s a long story.*

Bridal party goals.

Bridesmaids- Emma, Kristy and MOH Jacqui

Groomsmen- Nicholas, Travis and BM Kurt

The venue at dusk was a sight to behold.

Golden hour!

Nothing fancy, just love.

Garden party games. There is even a crochet lawn, would you believe it!

Reception: Our bridal party and family gave speeches while we sat back and had a drink (finally)!

Sparkler exit! Just do it- it’s so fun!

First dance: Michael wanted to have our first dance in The Pavilion outside, and how could I say no!

Guests entertaining you is the best part! We really loved this ‘Shake it Off’ one by Michael’s cousins (right).

InTheBooth provided such wonderful entertainment for guests (and us) and helped to create memories and moments we can look back on for years. *Tip. This was our ‘money best spent’ luxury.*

Night wedding portraits never get old. *Tip. Ensure you take a moment for yourselves during the night to get away from the crazy and get a few smooches in. Photo evidence doesn’t hurt*

GOODLUCK

The Pfeffer Family

BABY CHIP

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There are things in this world that nobody could ever prepare you for. The loss of our baby we were never able to hold, tops my list.

Michael and I had been so excited for this blessing we started to call ‘Baby Chip’ back in June. It had happened so fast, it was almost shocking. Grateful, blessed, happy. We started the process of being parents, of holding my hair while I was sick, dealing with cravings and moods, of a growing tummy and growing nursery. Dreams, hopes, plans; all gone in the blink of an eye.

Our worst day came in the form of a normal ultrasound scan. All looking well, like the last one. Measuring just like she should. We knew we would see a little jellybean and hear a little heartbeat that day and were beyond excited.

They asked, ‘Have you had any spotting or bleeding?’. I was confused why they were asking. My answer was no, everything had been just like it should. We waited to see her heartbeat on the screen. A heartbeat we would never see.

4 words. ‘There is no heartbeat’.

The floor could have swallowed me whole in that moment.  There are no other words to describe the pain inside of your chest finding out the life growing inside of you has stopped growing. You are never prepared for this kind of pain and loss.

They stumbled around the M- word, as I’ve so nicely named it. Miscarriage. That’s the M-word. It was incredibly tough to stand up and walk out of the hospital with no happiness left inside of me. It was gone, and it took my baby with it.

It was a weird feeling; still feeling pregnant, still needing to pee every hour and be sick, but now, with no real purpose. My husband stayed with me while I sat and cried, silently for hours that afternoon. We were eating dinner, and at the bottom of our takeout bag was a bag of sweets, my husband finding a small part of happiness in our day. He pulled them out, ‘Oh wow, gummy bears…’ He said as he looked at me sympathetically. The previous hour we had looked up how big our baby was- roughly the size of a gummy bear. So many kicks while we were already down. I started to understand then that reminders were not something I would ever be able to shy away from, and I had to start learning how to deal with them from the very beginning. My husband was very attentive and supportive, being the one who had the mission of calling people we had to let know, so that we wouldn’t be asked the dreaded, ‘how did the scan go?’.

After a full week of tests, scans and waiting around, we were given our options of how to proceed. We were put on the emergency surgery list and waited for our final step to be done. A step we would never be ready for, but my body was. We waited all day Tuesday, 30th July to get nowhere. I opted to go home and not spend the night. Another kick while we were down, more waiting. I had 6 hours to eat and drink before fasting again. I had my surgery 31st July. Now that we are home and healing, we feel we have some calmness to our storm. We feel ready to share.

July 22nd was our heartbreaking day, but so was the week and a half that followed. Surgery was a tough and painful experience, something I will share more about soon. I’m sure we will have more dates to come where it will be hard. March 3rd, the due date we estimated. February 24th, the date we were originally given for her arrival. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day (because my husband lost our baby too) for years to come will be our days of sadness and loss, and hopefully someday, full of some kind of happiness. 

Little Chip was no surprise to us or anyone around us. Everyone knew how much we wanted to start a family, and after only a month, our wish had come true. We were overjoyed and shared in our happiness with close friends and family, something I’m glad we did. Telling people about our loss was easier after celebrating in our happiness. It felt better knowing Baby Chip had existed in their lives too.

I have memories and not all bad. I’m sure my husband remembers all the countless times I used, ‘I’m pregnant’, as the excuse, something that I now must come to terms with not saying. I remember the baby clothes we purchased after finding out, the furniture we assembled, the nursery plans we had, the rocking chair I was sure Baby Chip would love as much as I would.

The first while was hard, only ever seeing reminders, ads, other announcements of people’s success… I hope some day it will be easier to smile at the idea of babies again.

They gifted us with the images, the only pictures of our baby we have, a baby we will never get to meet; Baby Chip. We started referring to it as a girl for some time, so now that’s what we call her. Baby Chip’s name was a funny, personal joke between some friends, but everyone joined in and it became her nickname. I’m glad we have a name we can use when we speak of her.

Baby Chip existed. She existed for only a small time on this earth, and only in the confines of my tummy, but Baby Chip was here. She was here for 7 weeks and 6 days before she made her way onto whatever comes after this life. I hope it’s somewhere nice. I hope the universe takes care of her as much as we would’ve liked to.

I will never look at certain foods the same way, especially those damn gummy bears. I can’t look at a hospital the same way, or my nursery room, or the photos and videos we made in preparation for an announcement that was far from this one. I will admire pregnancy announcements, knowing how hard it was mentally and physically to get to that point, a point we didn’t get to ourselves.  

We now live in a world, without our Baby Chip in it. I told Michael, ‘She’s the size of a honeybee, perhaps that will be what we remember her by.’ So, bee’s it is, Chip.

I don’t know where to go from here. There is so much I hope to say and do, but nothing feels right. I wish I had more time with Baby Chip than I got. I wish that I got to meet her, cuddle her, and I wish I had gotten to listen to all the dad jokes my husband was whirling together for her. I hope someday those things still happen. It won’t be with Baby Chip, but maybe with another baby we get gifted from the universe. I hope that wherever our Baby Chip is, she rests with people we loved and lost who reside on the other side too. I hope our honeybee, gummy bear, angel baby, is okay and knows we loved her with every bit of our hearts.

We decided to share our story, although heartbreaking to tell, so that 1 in 4 didn’t sound so bizarre. To us, that percentage was a shock. How could so many pregnancies end this way and you never hear of it… So here it is, you are hearing about it. It happens. It happens too often for no real reason and there’s nothing we can do to prevent it. If you have an angel baby, you know the feeling all too well. I’m sad we join this statistic. I’m sad this is how we enter parenthood. If you are pregnant or have children of your own, go and hold them tight tonight. Be grateful for experiencing something so many wish to feel and be apart of. If there is only one thing you take from this, please let it be that you are grateful for what you have.

We know that some choose not to share this kind of news and we can understand why. However, for us, this was important. We had hoped to be announcing our baby’s life to the world this month and instead we announce her departure. It feels like a bad dream we won’t wake up from. We don’t believe that ‘everything happens for a reason’, no ‘at least’, ‘moving on’ or ‘the past is the past’. We choose to move forward. We now live with this pain for the rest of our lives, waiting for the day we get to see our angel baby again somewhere on the other side. Last week was full of emotional pain, this week full of physical pain. We now heal from both, for the remainder of our time here on earth.

We hope by sharing, others will know of Baby Chip’s life. Our baby matters, her life is valid. Although we were only given a few short weeks with her, it was the biggest blessing. I would take all the morning sickness in the world to just have her heart beating inside of me again. My husband and I miss her, I’m sure the universe mourns her loss too, but the world wasn’t ready for Baby Chip, even though we were.

To Baby Chip: We’ll hold you in our hearts, until we can hold you on the other side. Part of our heart now lives on with you wherever you are. Your wings were ready, but our hearts were not. We miss you; we love you; we hope you are at peace.

To those reading this: Thank you for giving us time to grieve the loss of our Baby Chip, for allowing us to share our journey, and for reading about her beautiful life she was able to live here on earth, inside my bump.

-Candace, Wife, Mum of an angel, still a hopeful universe believer.

(The Pfeffer Family)